On Language and Politeness (or: Now You Can Say "You" to Me!)

The way we (prefer to) address others is an great example of cultural differences, revealing just how deeply ingrained our ideas of respect and appropriateness can be.

Some languages make clear distinctions between formal and informal speech, allowing you to adjust how you address someone based on their rank, age, gender—whatever the case may be. Others don’t.

Modern English is informal by default. There’s no choice but to address someone as “you.” Sure, you can add a “Sir” or “Madam,” a “Mr.” or “Ms.” followed by a last name. And if you’re here in New Orleans, you’ll quickly learn the “formal-informal” of “Ms.” or “Mr.” followed by a first name.

Well, what’s the big deal, you ask—surely that’s all covered in language classes, right?

Well… yes and no. You learn how to address someone in another language, but no one teaches you how to feel about it.

Let me explain.

Before moving to the U.S., I never thought of Germany as particularly rigid when it came to politeness. In fact, we are often stereotyped as being rude because we’re so direct. Which is true, I suppose—we’ll tell you exactly what we think, but, hey, we’ll at least make sure to address you properly while doing it! I’ve also heard Germans complain about a decline in politeness, but the fact remains: our language allows for distinctions in formality. And whenever we feel they’re necessary, they’re at our disposal.

I never thought much about this until I moved here and had to address people of obvious higher standing than me. What do you do in a language that doesn’t allow for that distinction?

You might say, Well, if there’s no alternative, just use what’s available.

Sure. But here’s the thing—it feels weird. And wrong. And just plain inappropriate.

I distinctly remember having to speak with a professor after class about a deadline and grading. I struggled so hard to avoid addressing him directly:

"How is this expected to be done?"

"When would… one… grade this paper?"

You get the idea.

At some point, there was no way around it. I had to say “you.”

I shivered inside. How could I be so disrespectful?

The professor must have thought something was wrong with me, the way I dragged out my sentences just to delay using “you”.

Now, I didn’t just move to the U.S.—I moved to New Orleans. And that’s a whole different level of informal. When I tell you that everyone here is addressed with a term of endearment, you better believe it, baby!

I think it’s hard to fully convey the sense of forced inappropriateness you experience when a new language doesn’t allow for the distinctions you’re used to.

Anyway, I’ve adjusted. I’ve come to love it actually. And I’m now perfectly comfortable addressing my superiors with “you.”

But here’s the fun twist—

Now I have the opposite problem.

When I meet another German here in the U.S., we usually both tiptoe around the Du and Sie dilemma. We know we’re in an English-speaking country where these formal distinctions don’t apply. But we also know we come from a culture where they do. And we’ve already started speaking English and addressing each other as “you” before we noticed we could continue in our native language. 

Well… help me out here. What’s the right move? Can I offer you the “you” …?